How to Stop Being Jealous and Insecure In a Relationship

woman holding man hand

It’s alright to feel jealous, especially if you have reasons to feel that way.

However, too much of anything is bad. While a bit of jealousy can spice up your relationship, a more serious one can cause a series of misunderstandings, fights, and frustrations.

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What does jealousy feel like?

When you feel jealous about your partner, it can really impact your relationship. If you often feel threatened by your partner’s relationships with other people, this is called jealousy.

It’s normal to feel insecure sometimes, but it could be jealousy when insecurity starts to get in the way of your life and how you see yourself.

You might find it hard to even be around other people because of your fear that they will take away what little you have left.

Jealousy has many forms, from feeling anxious every time your partner spends time with someone else to obsessively checking their phone or social media accounts.

The step for getting rid of any feeling begins by recognizing what you feel and why you feel it.

Why am I so jealous and insecure?

It’s normal to feel jealous sometimes, especially when you’re just getting into a relationship.

However, if you feel vulnerable and out of control in your relationship because of jealousy, there are ways to change this.

Jealousy is caused by the fear of losing something very important, whether a partner or even a friendship. Maybe you’ve been betrayed in the past, and this feeling still haunts you.

For one thing, it can make you insecure about your own self-esteem.

Self-esteem is the level of respect and confidence in your abilities, and it is one of the most valuable things in life.

Having healthy self-esteem will help you to be confident about yourself no matter what people say or think. On the other hand, low self-esteem can lead to emotions such as jealousy and betrayal because you’re not sure about how worthy you really are.

If your low self-esteem leads you to feel that you do not deserve love or affection, you’ll end up feeling jealous when your partner is kind to someone else.

You might become suspicious, aggressive, or even manipulative to get them back. This will only push people away from you and make the situation worse.

The way to change this behavior starts with changing how you feel about yourself.

The number one thing you should do to get rid of your jealousy is to improve your self-esteem.

It’s a long process, but it’s worth working on.

9 Signs of Jealousy in a Relationship

Sign of jealousy
Photo by Eric Ward

Sometimes, it is cute to see your partner jealous. This could make you feel truly loved and wanted like this person is afraid to lose you. Who does not want to feel this way?

However, too much or constant jealousy is far from being healthy in a relationship. It reveals insecurity on the part of the jealous person. It may seem romantic for a while, but wanting to be together all the time—like your world only revolves around each other—could become toxic in the long run.

Now, how can you determine if your partner is unhealthily jealous? Or let us make this more personal. Evaluating yourself against these obvious signs, do you think your jealousy for your partner is still normal?

1. You want to be with your partner 24/7.

Yes, it is normal to miss your boyfriend/girlfriend whenever you are not together, especially if you are used to being around each other. However, it is a different thing if you want your partner to yourself alone like you do not want him/her to have a life outside of your relationship.

Your love for your partner is selfish if you would not want him/her to explore just because you are afraid of losing the person. True love sets a person free to find himself/herself. Allow your boyfriend/girlfriend to pursue dreams and meet new people. If in the end s/he still stays with you, then you would have proven his/her love for you.

2. You always check on him/her every minute you are not together.

Calling or messaging your partner all the time whenever you are not together is another sign of unhealthy jealousy. If you are always getting paranoid about what s/he is up to every time s/he is out of your sight, then it means you do not really trust him/her. Indeed, this is very unhealthy because it causes you anxiety.

If you are always asking for details about the whereabouts and activities of your partner, the time might come that s/he would get tired of it. In the end, it would be your fault why s/he would choose to walk away.

3. S/he is not allowed to go out with friends.

If you do not like your partner seeing his/her friends for the fear of him/her enjoying with someone else, then you are crazily jealous.

You would not want to give up your friends just because your boyfriend/girlfriend said so, right? Surely, you would feel bad if you would not be allowed to see your friends anymore, especially when you know there is nothing wrong with your friendship.

ALSO READ: 12 Ways to Stop being a Jealous Boyfriend

4. You do not want him/her to talk with the opposite sex.

Just so you know, your partner would forever be surrounded by people from the opposite sex, unless you keep him/her in a box. You cannot stop him/her from meeting new people, working with them, or being friends with them. It would also be unhealthy for your partner to avoid the opposite sex.

If just seeing your boyfriend/girlfriend talking with someone from the opposite sex could already enrage you, then it is time to assess yourself. Do you consider it healthy?

5. You monitor his/her social media activities.

Yes, it is fine if you and your partner share passwords to your social media account for transparency. However, what is not good is if you are secretly monitoring your partner’s social media activities, including whom s/he follows, the posts s/he reacts or comments to, or his/her recent searches.

If you are doing this, then let me tell you that paranoia is overcoming you. You should stop doing this because it is filling your mind with doubts, suspicions, and malice. This would not keep your relationship working for long.

6. You stalk everyone who reacts or comments on your partner’s posts.

Just like in the previous number, this is a sign of paranoia too. If you are stalking every person who reacts or comments on your boyfriend/girlfriend’s post, it means you are convincing yourself that you are being cheated on. It would keep you suspicious of everyone your partner comes in contact with.

Yeah, it would be great if you have amazing detective skills that would keep you from being hurt. However, what if your partner is actually faithful to you? Then, you are only wasting your energy on nothing.

7. You always accuse him/her of cheating, 

If you cannot resist the urge of accusing your partner of infidelity, then it shows how jealous you are. You cannot call your relationship healthy if you always doubt the faithfulness of your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Mistrust is an indication of a shaky relationship. As they say, love cannot exist where there is no trust. So, if you cannot trust your partner, you have to ask yourself if you still want to stay in your relationship.

ALSO READ: 9 Top Signs Your Partner is Cheating on You

8. S/he is not allowed to go somewhere or do something fun without you.

Your jealousy is so obvious if you cannot let your partner enjoy without you. This shows your own insecurity—your lack of confidence that you are fun to be with. For this reason, you are afraid that your partner would be so happy somewhere else, apart from you, that s/he would not come back.

This problem is from the inside, and more than ruining your relationship, it could completely destroy your self-esteem. It is best if you resolve this within yourself first before it could manifest in your relationship.

9. You always ask your partner’s whereabouts and who s/he is with.

Do you feel uneasy whenever your partner is out of sight? If you often require that s/he updates you of where s/he is and who his/her companions are, then you are a very jealous person. Worse is when you demand that s/he sends you photos of his/her environment and companions.

If you are fond of doing this, then you better start changing this habit. This is too much of an indication that you do not trust your partner. It would not be surprising if s/he gets tired of it someday.

12 Ways to stop being jealous in a relationship

Jealousy in relationship
Photo by Makunin

So, you need to find ways to overcome jealousy in order to keep a satisfying and strong relationship with your partner. Here are some of them.

1. Admit that you’re jealous.

Sometimes, you refuse to admit that you’re jealous because you don’t want to look weak; it hurts your ego. However, you need to acknowledge what you’re feeling. You can ignore it, but you can’t always control what you feel. Next thing you know, you already break down because you can’t take it anymore. Hence, be honest to yourself, and admit that you are indeed feeling jealous.

2. Understand the reasons behind your jealousy.

Once you admit that you feel jealous, it’s time for you to understand the factors that made you feel this way.  For instance, are you jealous because she’s too close to her boy best friend?  Does she seem too friendly to everyone? Or, do you think she’s too perfect for you that you feel insecure and jealous when someone talks to her? Understand the rationale behind your jealousy for you to move on to the next step.

3. Communicate your feelings.

Once you’re able to understand your feeling, you can now talk to your partner about it. Stay calm while expressing your sentiments to avoid any misinterpretation or more serious complications. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may find it cute and feel that you really love him or her, but your partner may also think that you’re being unreasonable. Whatever the result is, take time to talk and listen to each other.

4. Take some form of compromise.

If one of you feels uncomfortable that you always hang out with your “girl” or “boy” friends, then you might need some form of compromise.  Agree on what’s acceptable and what is not. If you hang out with friends every day, you might want to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend to tone the meetups down and be sensitive to each other’s feelings. Whatever you have talked about, make sure that it’s consensual.

5. Build more trust.

Meeting new people is inevitable for both of you.  Hence, even if there are compromises, you can’t dictate what your boyfriend or girlfriend should and should not do. Rather, build more trust. Trust yourself and your partner. Even when you don’t see what he or she is doing, be confident that your partner will always think of you and how you would feel if he or she would do inappropriate things. Remember that relationships built on trust are the ones that last.

ALSO READ: 10 Ways to Build and Maintain Trust in a Relationship

6. Stop overthinking.

Sometimes, overthinking becomes the core of your personality. However, remember that overthinking leads you to create problems that were actually non-existent. If you keep imagining things that your partner may be doing while he or she’s miles away from you, you might end up feeling mad, jealous, and even depressed. Also, your partner may find it tiring to always explain his or her side even when it’s not necessary.  Hence, try to control what’s in your head. Think, but be rational.

7. Keep a journal.

While you’re at the peak of your emotions, you can’t just go to your partner and find yourself shouting at him or her because you can’t contain your jealousy. You need to calm down, and one way for you to do that is to write about your feelings. Channel your creativity, and surprise yourself. You may end up writing a beautiful piece out of your emotions.

8. Work on your insecurities.

While insecurity is not always the reason why a person gets jealous, it is one of the most common sources of jealousy.  Be accountable, and work on your insecurities. Value yourself. Never think that you don’t deserve your boyfriend or girlfriend because he or she is too good for you. Remember, you are special, and you are amazing.

9. Use a different perspective.

Try to talk to your close friends, the ones you can trust. Share with them what you feel. Ask if you are being reasonable. Listen to their advice. It would be refreshing to hear another perspective outside of your relationship. You may end up seeing and realizing things that you have missed out on before.

10. Stop playing games.

Sometimes, out of anger, you become irrational, and you only want to take revenge to your partner for making you feel jealous. So, you end up doing things that will also make your boyfriend or girlfriend feel jealous. However, that’s not how you solve a problem. In fact, it will only make things worse. So, never play games with your partner. Rather, address the problem head-on.

11. Reaffirm your love for each other.

Sometimes, you tend to make quick decisions that you will later regret. Instead of bringing up breakup topics, why don’t you reaffirm your love for each other? Give your partner reassuring words. Be more affectionate. Surprise your partner in the most random ways that you can think of. Give your partner no reason to feel jealous at all.

12. Be mature.

Again, you’re an adult; act like one. You can’t just ditch your partner because he or she did not follow what you wanted him or her to do. You know you are better than that, and you know that there are always ways to fix the problems in your relationship.

Indeed, nothing worth having comes easy. There are times that your relationship will be tested; jealousy is just one of these challenges. But, remember that your love is stronger. It will prevail.

Related Article: 12 Ways to Stop being a Jealous Boyfriend

6 Signs You Are Insecure

girl shadow

Have you ever felt like you don’t like someone because that person always seems better than you? Are you threatened by the mere presence of that someone? If you feel this way to a certain somebody, then you are probably insecure with him or her.

Hard to admit, right? However, if you want to overcome this, then you need to accept the reality first. You have to face your insecurities and fight them head-on before they swallow you up.

So, what are the signs that you are insecure with someone? Here are six of them:

1. Stalking that person’s Facebook is your addiction.

If a day does not pass by without checking on the timeline of a certain individual, there are only three probable reasons for that: one, you got a crush or in love with him or her; two, you are an avid fan; three, you consider that person your rival. If your reason is not one or two, then the answer is obvious. You want to be updated by his/her every move so you know if you are ahead or behind—and you and your friends have something to talk about.

2. When s/he does something bad, you criticize; when s/he does something good, you criticize.

Whether the person does something negative or positive, you still think and talk badly about him/her. When s/he does bad, you tell yourself you are right about that person. On the other hand, when s/he does good, you convince yourself s/he is a hypocrite. In your eyes, s/he cannot do anything right.

3. You secretly steal glances at his/her outfit.

Every time that person passes by, you can’t help but stare at him/her from head to foot. You want to make sure that you look better. Whenever you are aware that your paths will cross, you see to it that you put your best foot forward. You will never let him/her outshine you. And when everybody compliments his/her stunning fashion, you always find a flaw or bad angle.

ALSO READ: 10 Ways to Stop Competing with Each Other in a Relationship

4. You hate it when s/he gets praised by others.

This is in connection to # 3. You really hate it when that person gets all the admiration, especially in the public. You keep telling yourself s/he does not deserve it, and you are way better than him/her. Then, you try to steal the limelight by showing off. You can’t accept defeat!

5. You feel good when s/he fails; you feel bad when s/he succeeds.

You actually know it is wrong, but you can’t help it. You let out the evil laugh in your mind whenever you find out that person flops at something. S/he is a loser, after all, you say. You feel so good, and it makes your day. However, when s/he celebrates success, it irritates you—and it ruins your mood.

6. Surpassing him/her in everything is your ultimate goal.

Competing against that person becomes your motivation to improve yourself—whether he knows it or not. You want to prove that you are better than him/her in every way. S/he is a threat to you, because probably s/he does better in an area you are passionate about like sports or studies. Or maybe you are constantly compared to this person by people you want to appreciate. Or probably s/he is the love interest of your special someone, and you just can’t see what s/he has that you do not have.

11 Ways to stop being insecure in a relationship

There are times when even when you think you have found the love of your life, you still don’t feel that you are not good enough. Sometimes, you even feel these bouts of insecurities that not only trigger an argument between you and your significant other but also affect your self-esteem.

Insecurities in a relationship are often experienced by people who are not really aware of their value as a person, as a lover, and as a life companion. However, there are things and practices that can help anyone suffering from this negative wave of emotion through following and believing in different ways to overcome uncertainties, especially in romantic relationships.

So what are the steps that you should take in order to feel more secure in your relationship? Here they are.

1. Stop comparing yourself to other people.

Especially with your significant other’s former lovers. It’s one of the causes of fights among couples and although it can be normal and sometimes reasonable, there are others who always find a way to make it an issue even if the triggers are nowhere in sight.

Insecurity and jealousy are a lethal combination and how couples solve the issues that come with this combo can either make or break the relationship.

2. Start appreciating your own uniqueness.

You’re different and you’re not like anyone else. Remember that. However, some people fail to appreciate the good things about them and they often have the tendency to hate themselves just because they don’t feel that they are special. This is another sign of insecurity and it’s the most common one.

The best way to overcome this self-hate is to realize that there are people who truly appreciate your mere existence. Secondly and more importantly, you have someone by your side who loves you just as you are.

3. Don’t be scared to ask the right questions.

One of the roots of insecurity has something to do with the truth, the answers that we are too afraid to hear from the questions that we won’t even dare to ask – because of lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

Sometimes, the need to know the truth about the things that define us as a person and as a lover can cause uncertainty, anxiety, and often lead to overthinking.

4. Build your confidence.

Occasionally, the root cause of insecurities isn’t about what someone doesn’t have but their inability to see what’s already in front of them: their talents and their own goodness that were the reasons why someone fell in love with them in the first place. So what’s the only way to cure this ‘blindness’? Be confident.

Believe in yourself and let confidence scare those insecurities away. How? There are different ways to be confident and proud of who and what you are. All you have to do is to have the willingness to open your eyes.

ALSO READ: 10 Ways to be Smarter and More Confident

5. Trust people more.

Another cause of insecurity is our failure to trust others because of past experiences that led us to believe that you cannot rely on anyone but ourselves. Let those go and be open to new people in your life, build your circle and be with your crowd.

Stop building those walls thinking that it would protect you from the cruelty of the outside world. Instead, open more doors, open more windows so that the light of others can brighten up your life.

6. Find out what’s really bothering you.

We have mentioned several root causes of insecurity especially for people in a relationship. However, most of the more specific reasons why a person may feel insecure really depend on a variety of factors.

Find out what’s really bothering you. Find out the triggers, the things, and events that can cause you to feel these negativities. In other words, know yourself better, especially the bad parts.

7. Accept the things that you can’t change.

Don’t grieve over the things that you can never get back, the realities that you cannot change in your relationship. One of the causes of insecurities is our failure to realize that the challenges that we see and experience with our significant other are part of life. However, you can still make it better.

Start with how you see yourself and how you react to uncertainties, events, and experiences that come your way. Do you respond in anger? Do you dwell in anxiety? Or do you accept them with a kind of maturity that can help you cope and survive?

8. Change your attitude towards life and people.

In relation to the previous section, if you think that nothing is changing and you still feel that emptiness and discontent in your relationship, maybe all you need is a change of perspective? As the famous saying goes, if you don’t like your reality, change it; if it doesn’t work, change your attitude.

We understand that it’s easier said than done but we all have to start somewhere, right? Do it now.

9. Find your strengths and develop them.

Instead of focusing on the bad and the negative, find something in you that you can develop and draw strength from. For instance, you can try to figure out what makes you happy as a person, as a partner to your significant other, or as a friend to your circle.

Realize the good things about you through these people who genuinely care about you. They are your permanent source of strength. Keep them close.

10. Value the people around you.

Speaking of having your loved ones and friends around to help you rediscover the good things about yourself, it’s important that you should remember to do the same for them. Value them by showing how you care and why they matter to you.

People who give love and who are loved in return never fall victim to the damning gloom of insecurity. They know what they’re worth and even if they don’t feel their best, they trust that the ones they love will be there to make them remember how special they are.

11. Love yourself.

Last but not least, always love yourself. Even if you are in a romantic relationship where you are expected to give love, never forget to leave some for yourself.

Remember to never let the good things pass you by just because you have failed to appreciate your own worth. The feeling of insecurities and the negativities that come with it are common relationship killers. Do something before it’s too late.

Secure Your Self-Worth 

If after reading these you have figured out that you are unhealthily jealous—and it is about to ruin your relationship—then you need to solve the problem ASAP. Everything boils down to low self-esteem, which results in insecurities. If you are secure with yourself, then you would not be jealous of anyone or anything.

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Cyril Abello
Joan is a freelance blogger who loves writing about personal development. She also loves learning and teaching languages. A Communication Arts graduate, she now pursues a masters degree in Language Teaching. She is into mobile photography, writing poems, and reading for leisure.
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September 8, 2021 10:21 am

Being one who suffers from very low-selfesteem and anxiety, I almost get a little mad over your “solutions”… Fx. “Stop overthinking”.
This is not something you can switch on / off simply by saying stop. If you knew the amount of excercises and therapy I’ve gone through and still battle it.
It’s a terrible condition and it is not at all “stop this” “stop that”.