Why is it so Painful to be In Love? Love Isn’t Supposed to Hurt

Pain in love
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Love is a wonderful feeling. It inspires us to become the best that we can be. It allows us to see the good out of the bad, and at the same time, it teaches us to value the littlest things in life. But at the same time, being in love can cause us pain, and each of us, at some point, has already experienced this. Unfortunately, this kind of pain is inevitable.

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Is love worth the pain?

Is it worth fighting for? Is love right for both parties?

The moment you say I love you with all of your heart and soul, you have to be willing to take risks. You’re essentially giving away a piece of yourself. You can’t take it back.

Loving someone and expecting to be loved in return is a risk many people are afraid of taking. They don’t want to lose their independence or autonomy. And that’s okay.

The real problem arises when you tell someone you love them, give all of yourself, not once but repeatedly, yet never get the same in return.

What gives us away is this innate desire to receive love from another person as much as we wish to bestow our own upon them.

So, we’re getting hurt because we love too much and not enough.

Love should be an investment that brings rewards to you both. It should deepen the bond between you without making it harder for either of you to walk away.

Love must be a choice based on unconditional commitment and respect. It has to be equal in value to what each party contributes. If this is what you are seeking from someone else, go ahead and give them a chance if they show signs of giving back equally as much.

But, don’t stay with someone just so they won’t leave you eventually; that isn’t love.

Love is meant to come without pain. It’s supposed to be selfless and free of fear. Love isn’t looking for the right person or the perfect relationship, it just doesn’t hurt.

You deserve to experience that great feeling of love that comes with growth as individuals and mutual satisfaction in a relationship with another person who loves you too!

Why does love bring so much pain? love is pain.

But why is it so painful to be in love? Here are the reasons that you may want to ponder:

1. We tend to expectations when in love.

When we are in love, all we can see are beautiful things. We yearn for sweetness and affection. We also look for the tangible ways in which our feelings can be represented. Because of these cravings, we tend to set expectations on how love can be exercised, and we end up getting hurt whenever these are not met.

Indeed, feeling frustrated is normal, but there is no need to wallow in the pain brought by failed expectations. The most beautiful thing when in love is when we finally learn to rise from our failures and enjoy what we have and what we don’t have. This is because love comes in different forms and ideas, and it is up to us how to interpret it to keep us happy and content.

ALSO READ: 12 Ways to be Selfless in a Relationship

2. We feel hurt when we are not loved back.

Another reason why being in love can be so painful is because we also expect to be loved back.

According to a popular saying, the greatest form of love is the one that is unrequited. And more often than not, we fall in love with someone who just couldn’t love us back the way we want them to. This is can be very painful, mainly because this blocks you from doing expressing your feelings for that person. Worse, you do not get the same kind of love from that person in return.

Whenever you fall into such a state, it is best to keep in mind that true love is one that does not ask for anything in return. True love allows you to be happy and content with what you can give despite the limitations, and not demand anything else.

Why is it so Painful to be In Love
Photo by jwvein

3. We start to feel the pain when we realize that we are tired of giving.

Love makes us selfless. It drives us to give everything, such as patience, effort, and respect. But as we go along with the flow of loving someone, there are also instances when we start to feel tired of our actions. There are even times when we already feel numb, mainly because we have given all we’ve got just to make things work.

But the pain of being tired doesn’t mean that we have to give up on love. Perhaps it is just a phase where we have to learn to take a step back and rest. When we give too much of ourselves, we also start to lose ourselves in the process. And feeling tired means that we need to give ourselves the time and space to breathe so that we can rejuvenate the love that we’ve been fighting for all this time.

ALSO READ: 10 Ways to Have More Patience in a Relationship

4. We feel pain when we do not feel comfort from our significant other.

We also tend to experience pain even when the person we love reciprocated our feelings. This occurs when we do not feel the comfort and contentment of the other party. While this can be easily addressed, not doing so may lead to other problems and even irreparable damage.

The reason behind this may be because as two different individuals, you and your partner have different concepts of love and how to express it. You may be yearning for sweetness and affection, while they are into the more practical aspects of love and relationships. You two may want to sit down on this and talk things over so that you can find a common ground and express your feelings for each other in a rather complementary manner.

5. Love becomes painful when you try to win in arguments.

Love, while it makes us happy and contented, also drives us to be greedy and selfish. There are many instances when we fight against our significant other because we want to get something, and we do our best to win in the argument. When we start to think only of ourselves and what we are getting, then we get hurt each time we fail in these petty fights.

Love is not only about getting, or only about giving. It is a two-way street where you give and take. This means you have to understand your partner and vice versa. You give way whenever necessary, take whatever is there without causing each other pain.

Why is it so Painful to be In Love
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6. Love becomes painful once you lose it.

As much as we’d like to think that being in love is forever, it is not. Lasting relationships are not only made of love per se but of commitment and compromise. Staying true to these decisions are the things that usually keep us hanging on, no matter how hard the situation becomes in the long run.

However, love causes us the most pain once we lose it. This is when our partner gives up and no longer wishes to continue living with us. This is especially harrowing when we have not yet given up yet when we are still inspired to celebrate this love, but the person we should be celebrating this feeling with is no longer there.

We are entitled to grieve whenever we experience this kind of pain. But along the grief, we should also learn to accept and rise up again, because life continues even as love fades. We do not know what the future has in store, thus we have to prepare for it after going through the pain that this love had caused.

It may also help to keep in mind that being in love doesn’t mean you have to give everything to your chosen recipient; it’s better to leave some for yourself, as this is the love that will heal you of all the pain you will encounter. This will also be the cure to grief and will be the only kind of love that will allow you to face life as a stronger and better person.

Why Does Love Hurt

Love is amazing, isn’t it? But, when it’s not working, nothing hurts quite as deeply. The pain love causes are as real as the euphoric emotion it evokes.

I believe everyone who loves is going to get hurt at some level. Whether it’s familial or love shared between friends or especially in the realm of romantic love, it is going to stop us cold in our tracks and cause us to doubt its authenticity.

I would never encourage anyone to give up on love.

Love is a necessary part of life. However, when love hurts, that hurt can be excruciating. Why is it so painful to be in love?

Why People Suffer in Love

why people are alone

Why do people suffer when they fall in love or enter into a relationship? Why do they end up hurting and crying? Is suffering really inevitable when you love someone? Or is it a choice that can actually be avoided?

It is wise to be aware of the common reasons why we suffer in love so we can learn how to deal with them and preserve the joy and happiness in our relationship.

Below are 18 reasons why people suffer in love:

1. They let fear torment their mind and heart.

They fear losing the one they love. They are afraid of being cheated on, fooled, or left with a broken heart. Fear and insecurities come when there are uncertainties. But if you really love someone, you have to be fearless.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” – 1 John 4:18 (NIV)

2. They don’t know the person they love.

Humans fear what they don’t know. If people don’t exert effort in knowing their beloved one, their minds will be filled with uncertainties and negativities, causing them to suffer. Loving is knowing. Hence, if you really love your partner, you have to know him or her more as a person.

3. They don’t feel the person they love.

People suffer in love because they don’t have compassion. They don’t feel the true feelings of their loved ones, causing them misunderstandings. To be happy in a relationship, you and your significant other should unite as one, not only in mind but also in heart.

4. They are envious of other people.

People suffer because they are not content with what they have. They don’t value their blessings, whether in disguise or not. They also hurt the ones they love because they don’t make them feel that they are important. True love doesn’t envy. Thus, if you want to stop suffering, be grateful and treasure your current possessions.

5. They keep on lying.

Lies take away people’s freedom. Liars always feel guilty and they have many sleepless nights. The longer lies are hidden, the more they become painful. So if you want to suffer no more, let the truth set you free.

6. They don’t trust the one they love.

Without trusting their partner, their mind will not be at ease. Without trusting yourself, you will not gain self-confidence. Trust is based on evidence. So if you don’t have any proof that your partner is cheating on you, don’t be paranoid but keep on trusting him or her. To trust yourself and have self-confidence, work yourself to be a better person.

7. They either hope too much or hope too little.

If you hope too much, you will more likely be disappointed. If you hope too little, you will probably gain fewer results. Therefore, don’t expect too much love in return so you won’t suffer from frustration, but rather work more in giving love so you will bear more results. Remember that the love you give away is for yours to keep for life, or even forever.

8. Their faith is not based on actions.

Believing in someone or in yourself without doing something that will support your belief will only result to having faith in vain. Just like false hope, it will only make people frustrated and disappointed. So don’t just do nothing – practice what you believe so you gain more and more confidence.

9. They think patience is suffering.

When your patience is tested, it’s not something that you should be frustrated of. Instead, it’s something that you should be joyful about since your patience produces more strength, persistence, and maturity. Thus, stay patient and don’t be short-tempered if you don’t like to suffer.

10. They let pride take them over.

Without humility, people in a relationship can hardly become forgiving, considerate, generous, selfless and kind. Pride influences them to make decisions and actions that lead to hate and conflicts rather than love and peacefulness. To be happy in love, be humble – learn to allow yourself to be low in order to lift people up.

11. They don’t learn how to forgive.

Many people suffer because they don’t want to let anyone (including their partner) who hurt them go unpunished. They carry the burden of vengeance just to teach their sinners a lesson. Such a burden causes them suffering. To stop suffering, realize that it’s not only punishment that can teach a person a lesson, but forgiveness and mercy can also inspire everyone a great lesson. So be happy in love by learning how to forgive and show mercy.

12. They are more material than spiritual.

People suffer in a relationship because they let money, distance, and other physical things dictate their love. To avoid sadness, be more spiritual. Realize that true love can endure time, distance, and even the absence of material possessions.

13. They live too much digital life than real life.

Some couples spend too much time taking selfies for their social media posts rather than spending the moments together intimately – so they’re missing a lot of realistic moments together. Some people spend more time stalking others’ love stories on social media rather than focusing on improving their own love life – so they often feel envious and miss out on many opportunities for personal growth.

To boost your happiness, minimize technology and live a more natural life.

14. They don’t do the right thing.

Many people think that it’s okay to make mistakes. But making mistakes can become a bad habit. Each mistake you make will cause you and your partner to suffer. So change your principle in life. Make it a habit to do the right thing. Learn from your little accomplishments rather than relying on to learn from your mistakes.

15. They don’t love enough.

Some people think that they have already given everything for love, and then they expect to be loved big-time in return. Consequently, they become disappointed. Realize that loving is an unending act – we can’t really tell if we have already loved enough unless the people we love are truly happy with the love they receive from us.

To be happy in love, focus more on giving love – it’s more fulfilling than expecting to be loved.

16. They try to be devoted to several lovers.

People cannot serve and be devoted to two lovers. Either they will love the one or hate the other. When people cheat, their conscience becomes rotten and their life becomes more suffocating. They suffer from guilt and shame. Hence, be loyal to your beloved one. It will give you more time, energy, and opportunities to be happy in love.

17. They choose the wrong partner.

Choosing the wrong person to love can make anyone’s life miserable. Though there are people who can change for the better to make their loved ones happy, there are also many who just can’t. Hence, if you’re still single, read the articles below to guide you to the right one.

18. They don’t love themselves.

People suffer in a relationship because they keep on hurting themselves to get attention, understanding, and even to prove to someone that their love is true. In the end, they fail to achieve personal development and grow their relationship. To avoid suffering, make sure you love someone as you love yourself, not love someone as you hurt yourself.

We have to realize that pain is a natural effect of the process we call “loving”. However, to suffer from such pain is a matter of choice. I believe it’s up to you if you count that pain as suffering or as a pleasure.

Remember that true love is supposed to make you and your partner happy. Therefore, if you really love someone, choose to be happy, even though it means you have to get through the pain.

Is Love Supposed to Hurt?

Most people believe that it really hurts to be in love. But why does love hurt? It is not possible for something that makes you feel happy can also make you feel sad, or even worse, depressed and hurt.

When you fall deeply into love with one person, there is no room for anybody else. It is very true since this feeling will consume your entire body and you would literally live on thoughts about only your special someone and nothing else matters.

But sometimes falling into deep or obsessive love could jeopardize all your other existing relationships. Your special someone will be the only one you would live for and your friends or family members may feel neglected or even abandoned.

This is why it hurts to be in love with just one person because this feeling that consumes your entire body and heart can make anyone feels like they are losing a part of their life left upon their loved ones who are also important to them.

You feel so secure that you think that there is no possible threat but all of sudden when you least expect it, something happens that makes you realize that this relationship will not last forever.

You have been hurt very badly by the betrayal of some fairytales story that promises eternal happiness in exchange for faithful love.

Some people tend to get too possessive that they would want to own your life and give up all your other important relationships. This is not love. It is an obsession.

Although love hurts, it only hurts if you love someone who does not return the feelings or if love becomes an obsession. Love may also hurt when you lose your loved ones to death, separation, or infidelity. But it is not surprising that love hurts since we are all humans who have feelings and emotions.

Love is the most beautiful feeling an individual can experience.

Love is a very powerful emotion because once this emotion gets into your system, you will be addicted to love, and it is a euphoria that will give life to your soul for as long as you live.

True love does not hurt if given in a balanced way. What happens is that we tend to get too attached to just one person or thing (love object) which would make us lose our sense of balance and proportion. True love neither causes pain nor suffering but brings real joy, happiness, and fulfillment. It helps individuals achieve their dreams, hopes, and aspirations.

When is love worth the pain?

Woman thinking
Photo by Anthony Tran

Here are the 10 answers to know when is love worth the pain:

1. If you see a future in the relationship.

The first answer to this love question is if you see a future in the relationship. It’s a relatively common answer to such a question, because why else would you be pursuing this if you don’t see a possible outcome in the future, right? But if you feel that the relationship has reached its dead end, there’s nowhere else to go but down, and if you think it’s not healthy anymore, then it’s understandable for you to let go.

2. If this is only a momentary hurdle.

The second answer to take note of is if you know that this is only a momentary hurdle in your relationship. You and your partner will face a lot of problems together as the years pass by, problems that will test the strength of your love for each other, so you must not give up at the first sign of conflict. If you know for sure that this is only temporary, then it’s definitely worth holding on to in order to reap the fruits of growth afterward.

3. If you think this is the right thing to do.

The third answer to this long-awaited question is if you think that this is the right thing to do.  When you truly know deep in your heart that this decision and this relationship is the absolute right thing to do then it’s worth going through the troubles and backlash. Grab your partner’s hand tight, face the negative feedback with chins up, and put your trust in each other that you will get through this eventually.

ALSO READ: How to Fight for Your Relationship and Not Give Up on the One You Love

4. If you want to make it work.

The fourth answer to know if it’s worth it is if you want to make the relationship work. Once you get into this mentality, then it automatically assumes that you are willing to sacrifice anything and everything in order for you to be together. So what’s a little pain now when you know for sure that after this you will be spending your happily ever after with the one you love?

5. If you’re willing to make the sacrifice.

The fifth answer to check off this list is if you are willing to make the sacrifice. You can only go through the pain that love has to offer if you are ready to go through the heavy sacrifices it requires. If you can commit yourself, put in your best effort, then for sure you can handle any amount of pain love has to throw at you.

6. If you truly love your partner.

The sixth best answer to help you decide is if you truly love your partner. When you love someone, then anything you do is worth it for that person. You gave up smoking, you left your job and moved to be closer to her, or you let go of all your vices, but hey it’s alright because you know whatever makes your partner happy, makes you happy as well.

7. If this will make you a better person.

The seventh answer to this mind-boggling question is if you know this experience will make you a better person. As the song goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and this is true because we grow best when we overcome our most traumatic and life-changing situations. At the end of this trial, if you know this will make you change for the better then it’s better to go through the pain and achieve those gains.

8. If you place your trust in your partner.

The eight answers to know if love is really worth it all is if you place your trust in your partner. You don’t know where this is going, if there’s a rainbow at the end of the storm, or if you’ll ever see a sunrise again, but it doesn’t matter because whatever happens, as long as the person you love is there, the destination doesn’t matter. You’re willing to go through the unknown and through the pain because you trust your partner.

ALSO READ: 10 Ways to Build and Maintain Trust in a Relationship

9. If you see your partner working for it.

The ninth answer to this lingering wonder is if you see your partner working for it. Another bonus point is if you’re both working for it together, then you can truly tell that whatever is this conflict you’re going through right now, it will eventually be alright in the end. If you’re in this together, then you will never be afraid of any outcome and you’ll feel even more dedicated to overcoming this problem.

10. If you think it is worth it.

The last and tenth answer is simple: if you think your love is worth getting hurt over for, then, by all means, go for it! Don’t hold back because you only get to live your life once and as the saying goes, it’s better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all.

Fighting for your love is like standing at the edge of a broken bridge with storm clouds around you and a dark fog covering what lies below so you see nothing except dark clouds. You want to jump to the other side but you’re not sure because you’re afraid of getting hurt, but suddenly you hear a voice calling out your name.

It’s the voice of someone you love.

You then take a deep breath, make a run for it, and with all your might, you jump! You don’t know where you’re heading or if you’re going to crash and burn, but it doesn’t matter, because as long as you get to reach the one you love on the other side, then you know it’s worth it.

ALSO READ: 10 Signs Your Relationship is Worth Fighting For 

Love Hurts Poem

“So it’s true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”

― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly


“Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.”

― Carol Rifka Brunt, Tell the Wolves I’m Home


“Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget.”

― Alysha Speer


“Must I go bound while you go free

Must I love a man who doesn’t love me

Must I be born with so little art

As to love a man who’ll break my Heart”

― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince


“It hurts to love. It’s like giving yourself to be flayed and knowing that at any moment the other person may just walk off with your skin.”

― Susan Sontag, Reborn: Journals and Notebooks, 1947-1963


“Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I don’t love you”

― Cecily von Ziegesar, Gossip Girl


“Love hurts when it changes us.”

― Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident: Insiden Bait Al-Jauza


“Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares.”

― Aman Jassal, Rainbow – the shades of love


“You did love me,” I whispered. “Just not the same way I loved you.”

― Jess Rothenberg, The Catastrophic History of You and Me


“One day you’re going to remember me and how much I loved you…then you’re gonna hate yourself for letting me go”

― Drake


“Every heart needs a cutting part sharper than a blade to stab agony”

― Munia Khan


“Love is knowing that your feet carry you to a painful place, and still go anyway.”

― Mitta Xinindlu


Online courses recommended for you:

Books recommended for you:


How to Stop Yourself from Falling in Love Fast

Top 25 Most Inspiring Books About Love and Relationship

Top 25 Most Inspiring Books Every Woman Should Read

44 Ways to Love Yourself

How to be More Optimistic and Positive in Life

Fae Marie Esperas
When not on the road, Fae Marie Esperas writes about life's adventures as she sees them. She likes her coffee with mint, and owns a cat named Ramon.
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December 28, 2021 4:52 pm

People suffer from love for many reasons, some unknown factors as well. The heart is a mystery, it can not be read, human tested, or examined, perhaps, this is what makes love so beautiful. I am going through this experience myself. I lived as a man, loved as a man, only to lose it due to others selfish reasons. If it’s anything that’s painful, it’s losing yourself due to others conspiring to fill there needs.

December 14, 2021 12:29 pm

Every point that you mentioned in “Why people suffer in love” has to do with their upbringing as a child… Maybe a narcissistic, emotionally, physically or sexually abusive Parent. in your article it seems as if we can just stop doing all these things… It’s not that easy… That’s what borderline personality disorder is all about… I’m still dealing with the fact that in my 50’s I don’t feel “worthy of Love”…. Even know even though I am intelligent enough to understand what’s going on emotionally inside me… It is something I just can’t seem to “fix“…. Therefore as an a tractive, intelligent, loving woman… I have chosen to give up on love because of the pain it has caused me throughout my life.

February 21, 2021 11:48 am

Great write up in foggy days

Strength to all heartbroken.
Better days will come

October 16, 2020 1:43 pm

Cachuira boney am hurting so bad I cry myself to sleep I stand in the shower and cry every day it just doesn’t seem to go away

February 18, 2020 8:36 pm

i really needed to find this info at this moment, im hurting and its not going away as quick as i wish